


ono čeg sam vrijedan

by keeks414



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Future Fic, I Don't Even Know, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 14:28:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14717852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keeks414/pseuds/keeks414
Summary: It's easier to think of Lucien as someone horrible.





	ono čeg sam vrijedan

**Author's Note:**

> Heavily inspired by this post http://mollyfjords.tumblr.com/post/173793601404/hm-so-like-nobody-but-me-is-still-thinking-abt plus me projecting on characers, probably ooc but uhh enjoy

"Are you okay?"

The question catches Molly off guard and it takes him more time than usually to think of a response. He's sprawled across Fjord's lap in his bed, slowly dozing off. Surprisingly, the Mighty Nein found no job for that day so the two of them stayed in bed longer and Molly is always ready to sleep when he can, even if he woke up just minutes ago.

"Sure?" he turns to look at Fjord, "Is there are reason not to be?"

Fjord frowns, runs his fingers through Molly's soft locks. "I suppose there isn't, but y'know, in general? You've been acting strange lately, that's all."

He wants to deny it. It shouldn't be so hard to lie, not even to Fjord. Maybe he should talk to him, take it off his chest or whatever. He doesn't want to think about it. Thinking leads to overthinking which makes him sick. It's not even just lately, more like it's been here the whole time but feels worse now, feels way too close to a breaking point for his comfort. Fuck, Molly himself isn't sure if he's okay, but Fjord doesn't need to know that.

The half-orc continues before he's able to pull himself together and answer.

"Before she left this time, Yasha told me to keep an eye on you."

"Oh?" She really knew him too well. "Did she now."

"Yeah. You _have_ been drinking more, and you drink enough as it is that this makes it concerning. Are you competing with Nott or something?"

"I'm always competing with Nott."

Fjord gives him one of the best of his _stop bullshiting me_ looks and goes on. "And obviously there is something going on if you went so quiet when i asked you about it." That makes Molly sit up, trying to look Fjord in the eyes but failing. How did Fjord always see so easy through him?

"Everything's fine. I have no idea what you're talking about."

He gets an arched eyebrow. "You're a _horrible_ liar. You are aware of that, right?"

"Please. I'm a spectacular liar. Do you even know how many times I've lied to you, love?"

Fjord snorts, the bastard, puts his hands on Molly's waist and kisses his cheek. "Yeah. Caught you every time. Do you wanna tell me what's wrong?"

Does he? Few months ago Molly would have done anything to stop any of them from seeing his weaknesses. But this is Fjord, he's seen him weak before, Molly has just never willingly opened up to him. Or anyone except Yasha. He hates feeling weak, hates the idea of anyone seeing him without the usual cocky and confident personality. However, he also feels like he's going to break sometime soon if he doesn't talk about it. It's slowly becoming more obvious that he can't keep drinking and sleeping to avoid problems forever, even if that would be preferable.

"No. Maybe?" It comes out more panicked than he wanted it to, which is bad, the whole idea is bad and he feels lightheaded. "Do you remember Cree?"

"Sure. What about her?" There's a hand caressing his cheek and he mentally curses himself for being so obviously scared.

"She seemed to adore him. Lucien. Sometimes I think about it– what if he wasn't a bad guy?"

Fjord tilts his head, confused. "Okay? Wouldn't that be good?" He searches Molly's face for an explanation and but gets none. "If it means he hasn't done something horrible that would come back for you or make you feel like you owe it something?"

"Yes. Yeah. You're right." _This was a horrible idea._ "That's it then! Thank you, glad we cleared that out."

Suddenly, the idea of doing _anything_ but talking to Fjord about this seems better. He scoots towards the edge of the bed but Fjord catches his wrist. "Molly."

"Hm?" he turns around with a smirk. "I didn't know you wanted me in the bed so badly, you could've just asked." He flashes him a wide grin and it really is a desperate attempt at ending a conversation. Fjord isn't dumb, he knows Molly too well. He seems to think that too, based on the unimpressed look Molly gets.

"I won't force you to talk," he sighs. "It just seemed like you wanted to tell me, for a moment. I'll listen. Whatever it is."

He says it in that soft, understanding way of his that makes Molly want to tell him everything. Green arms lock around his middle and he's pulled against Fjord's chest. The half-orc rests his chin on Molly's shoulder, peppering his neck and shoulders with small chaste kisses.

Something in Molly always melts because of the way Fjord holds him, like he matters, like he's someone special. Like Molly, who wears his lies like second skin and still often feels so sickeningly empty, is worth all his love.

"Fjord?"

"Hmm?" he murmurs and kisses Molly's jaw.

"What if I don't deserve this?" it's barely a whisper and Molly partially hopes it was too quiet for Fjord to hear.

There's a pause and neither of them moves. Fjord shifts so he can look at Molly, make sure it's not some fucked up joke.

"What?" he asks, still sounding more confused than anything.

Molly takes a deep breath. As he starts talking, he can't seem to stop, thoughts that he kept bottled up for so long just spilling out.

"What if Lucien was a great guy? Cree adored him. Those three people we encountered a month ago? They were ready to fight us to get him back. They all seemed to care so much about that guy. Cree was so _happy_ , Fjord. But I'm not the person she wants. And if he was such a great person then what if he deserved this life more than I do? Someone was doing something good and useful with this body, with this life, and what am I doing? What if I'm not worth it?" _What if I'm just wasting it away?_

He continues talking before Fjord has a chance to interrupt him. "Also, you know, it's not like you guys desperately need me. I'm not doing anything useful like he, maybe, could've been doing. If I remembered maybe then I'd– or _he'd_  be of more use to the group," it's a terrifying thought, even more than the  _Lucien was a horrible person_ one, but it has been on his mind a lot lately.

"Anyway, I may have taken over a life, in a way, of someone who was pretty great and had people who loved and admired him, just to be y'know, me." Molly gestures around his face, trying to ignore how badly his hands are shaking. So much about keeping it together.

"What if I'm not worth this Fjord? What if Lucien deserved this life more than I do?"

It comes out shaky, barely a whisper. The panic in his voice is obvious and Molly wants to hide, say it's just a cruel joke and go back to sleep. He shuts his eyes to stop himself from crying and tries to breathe, partially scared that this will lead to Fjord realizing that they really don't need him like this, that he's not worth the trouble.

But he's being pulled in an embrace again, he hears Fjord sigh and feels him plant a kiss on his head.

"Darling," Fjord murmurs as he's cupping the tiefling's face. "We don't like you just because we have some use of you. You know that, right?"

The poorly hidden desperation in his voice makes Molly wants to say that yes, of course he knows that, but he's choked up and shaking and he really, really can't lie right now. Fjord's hand is still resting on his face, stroking his cheek and he actually looks like he doesn't know what to say, which is a first.

"I don't know what Lucien did," he says softly. "I do know he was loved, we saw that, but you are too. And not just because of what you do for the group. We like you for who you are as a person," he wipes off tears that Molly didn't even realize were running down his face. Fjord's hands are warm and its such a comforting feeling, he wants nothing more than to just fall asleep in his arms and not think about any of this. "Of course you deserve this, it's not– why do you think someone would deserve this life more than you do?

"I don't know," he whispers, hopes it sounds at least a bit composed. "Sometimes I just feel too empty and worthless." _Almost like I'm not a whole person. There's so much missing and I'm never going to look for it because it's terrifying me._

It feels like he's betraying something by telling Fjord the truth, because that's not what Mollymauk Tealeaf is.

Mollymauk is colorful, confident and proud. He's loud, uncaring of others' opinions about him, never hides any of his scars. A good person. A liar and an asshole, but a good person. Everything but empty and worthless. But sometimes he thinks about who Lucien could've been and feels like he's trying to fix something broken and doing a very bad job of it.

It's much easier to think of Lucien as an asshole, someone bad and undeserving, than as a good guy who deserved all the love and admiration he seemed to get. It's much easier to stomach the idea of taking a life from someone horrible.

Fjord makes a distressed sound that Molly would usually laugh at and hugs him tighter.

"You're not. Molly, you're everything but empty. You don't need to know who he was to be a whole person, you already are, you're _so much_ ," Molly huffs out a laugh, which seems to satisfy Fjord. "And fuck, listen. You don't need to do something special to be worthy of this. Lucien, whoever he was, was no more deserving of this life than you are."

Molly narrows his eyes. "You don't know that."

"I do," Fjord cuts him off. "Because I know you. I love you, this person you chose to be. Not Lucien or Nonagon or whatever his name was, it doesn't matter," he says it with such certainty, something breaks inside of Molly and he's unable to keep himself from crying, so he just buries his head in Fjord's neck and hopes it will be ignored.

"What matters is who you choose to become, and I know that person. We've come to love you because of who you are right now. And you're a fucking asshole, don't get me wrong, but you're also one of the most beautiful people I've had pleasure to meet. Inside and outside."

His hands grip Molly's shoulders to carefully move him away from his neck. "Love, look at me. Can you do that?"

Closing his eyes again, Molly shakes his head and tries to pull him closer. Fjord lets him with a mumbled 'okay'.

About a minute passes when Molly finally regains some composure and speaks up, sound muffled by Fjord's neck. "Part of me finds it hard to believe most of that," he admits. "But I'll try."

It's a weak response to what Fjord said, he knows. But he's not used to this. He's used to lying, it comes to him easily. Still, Fjord has always had a way of seeing right through his bullshit, so he doesn't try this time. Or perhaps it's because he's tired and some of it he kept inside for too long.

Fjord, seemingly happy with that, kisses the base of his horn and slowly lays them down on the bed.

"Feelin' any better?"

"I'll be okay. I– I love you too. Thank you," he stutters, voice weak. He's beyond being embarrassed and it's not the first time he's told Fjord that, but something about the moment feels more intimate. It is the first time he talked so openly about how he feels bout his past without being forced to do it. The first time he willingly showed Fjord any weakness and how scared he actually was. And it doesn't feel too bad.

"You're worth to us more than you think," Fjord says and tightens the grip around him. "You make things so much brighter. Even if you don't believe me now, just keep it in mind."

As he drifts off once again, Molly thinks he could believe him, one day. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading im sorry if i fucked up too badly, the characters or english, really i just wanted to write something abt this and its set later so theyre all way closer, good night ilu


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